Painting westminster Abbey

I was very poorly mentally when i painted westminster abbey. I will tell of what happened before that in another post. The things i witnesses and suffered in the activist world as a survivor and mother desperately searching for help were pure evil. Vulnerable people are targeted played with trolled and basically sent nuts which is where i was. Id run away to london on my birthday that year ended up in a hovel with a nutter. I freely admit im no clean freak but that house was rancid it stank, they had a dog never any windows open coz it upset the dog and heating always on full it was the worst home id ever been in. I met someone at this time who said hed help me said he was the one who started fathers 4 justice.he knew i wasn't happy where i was staying so offered me his settee to kip on for a few weeks
I asked him to get me in the papers i had to get on google so if the kids googled me they would see i was fighting. In Manchester he was going to take me up a motorway bridge with a banner my nephew and brother in law were there and still fall in to hysterics now at the mere mention.
I got 2 rungs up (not even left the floor they tell me) and i my fear of heights kicks in and i start screaming like a banshee so safe to say we abandoned all thought of me doing a climb again
I heard of a dad spraying a painting in Westminster abbey thought i can do that
i bought a squeezy tube of kids paint yellow it was only 99p He was telling me i had to throw it over the coronation throne or else i wouldn't get in papers id never been in the abbey i had no idea how famous it was.
We had a lovely day that day spent it on parliament green in the sun met 3 activist friends who im still friends with now lovely people
We went into the evening service at the abbey hadn't been to church since being a kid messed with my head tbh once in and im walking over kings and queens graves i realize how big this Church may actually be and decide there and then i will not attempt in any form to go near the coronation throne
i saw a statue of naked babies cherubs people call them me i call them bloody offensive. That was my target. As the service ended i went and lit a candle and said sorry for what i was about to do. He was throwing me daggers i knew hed go nuts if i didnt was starting to realize what a control freak bully he was by now. I got the paint out and aimed it at the statue and squeezed nothing happened it wouldn't come out i could see the men in dresses starting to run at me so got top of as quick as i could and shook the bottle all over it. Then as they grabbed me i turned round and screamed im sorry i just wana tell my kids i love them must av been 200 people there just stood there staring at me gob smacked.
i hit 19 pages of google next day i went to court received a fine what i paid for every penny myself and it got me noticed of people who steered me onto the path im on now so i dont regret it. My children are priceless and worth more than any statue to me

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/jul/01/activist-arrested-defacing-westminster-abbey-statue

http://www.itv.com/news/update/2013-06-30/activist-arrested-after-defacing-statue-in-abbey/

http://www.itv.com/news/london/update/2013-07-01/activist-defaced-westminster-abbey-statue/

http://www.artlyst.com/articles/westminster-abbey-woman-held-for-criminal-damage-to-statue

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/news/second-art-attack-at-westminster-abbey-suffragettestyle-protester-arrested-for-criminal-damage-after-statue-is-spraypainted-8681250.html

My journey with the Child Sexual Abuse peoples Tribunal

January 2014 i was in accident and emergency begging for them to section me. I had no home no children no family no partner and no future. I never saw myself as having mental health issues for a long time thought it was all about suicide and eating disorders. what i was experiencing was horrendous and terrifying people would be talking at me could see their mouths moving, couldn't hear a sound they made. On my worst days i literally had to hold on to my settee because my mind was telling me if i jumped of my balcony i would fly. Other days id forget how to cross a road had a few near misses with buses i tell you.
I had hit pure rock bottom and was searching for a single reason to carry on the receptionist rang security and got me escorted off site. I realized that day that nobody was ever coming to save me i had to get up and save myself.
I met a new friend not long after this worlds apart he'd been a big chief for social workers me a lifelong social worker hater we had some clashes and i was so horrible to him at times. My friend got all my paperwork for me and introduced me to people he thought could help me. It was my friend who was invited to the first meeting to discuss the possibility of the csapt. He is an honorable man and had promised to do something with me that day so refused at first, then i was asked so he would go, I was just the spare part.
 Until a sir giving a speech said children from care need extra help to be normal Me being the northern fish wife that i am screeched i beg your pardon and went into a passionate rant. The sir was so annoyed with me he left the building. The qc so impressed with me and out of respect for my fear of suits took his jacket off.
I spent the rest of the meeting thinking omg my friend is going to go mad there are professors and qcs and journalists here. Then it was over and every one was rushing over to hug me my friend was so chuffed and that was it the day i was started to be taken seriously as a survivor and a campaigner. My life has transformed since then. In all the voluntary work iv done with csapt iv helped heal my self. I will tell the story of my friend one day but only with his permission. You opened doors for me i never thought possible thank you from the bottom of my heart xx
This is where we are at now with ukcsapt its been amazing watching it grow im so proud to be a part of this
http://ukcsapt.org.uk/

sorry quick plug for our tshirts only available for 12 more days

https://www.tboom.co.uk/uk-child-sex-abuse-peoples-tribunal

My 5th child William David Shaun

When Lewis was still tiny only 6/8 weeks old i met Anthony. He was younger than me suppose i was flattered by the attention and for the five years together we spent he never raised a hand to me until the very end, Anthony was the first man who didn't want to beat me.
We were married October 2004 i was pregnant with our first son we went on to have another son and daughter together. I will tell the story of Anthony but not in this post this is all about my William..

William was born april 2005 lewis was only ten months and three weeks it hadn't been an easy pregnancy. Iv already explained about my rapid births but the midwifes never listen she told me i was only 4 centimeters dilated so i made her give me a shot of pethadine thought i was having a rough time like Lewis. As she injected me i felt the urge to push and he popped out. the blanket was over my legs midwife was telling Anthony to ignore me it was the drugs and he was listening. i remember screaming at him lift that blanket up and save my baby from falling now. Because of the delay William didn't take his first breath right and a valve in his heart hadn't closed. "They said its ok then gave us lessons in resuscitation" we didnt find this out until he was 3 weeks old though as he was rushed to nicu losing weight rapidly and throwing up every drop of milk we tried it came apparent he had a serious allergy to baby milk too. Id never had a poorly baby before it was the most frightening time of my entire life. We weren't allowed to stay there so used to go ten am to ten pm and sit with him. Lewis was such a good baby he was content just seeing his baby brother.
 There was one baby in there born same day as our boy and we saw him being resuscitated one day he survived that day but went to heaven not long after still haunts me and i will tell William one day how lucky and special and strong he was to get better.

The hole in williams heart was tiny think they said 3mm but id never dealt with anything like this before i was terrified we spent a fortune on a heart monitor so an alarm would go off if anything happened. I wrapped him in pure cotton wool i rarely put him down i was so scared. William had monthly visits with a heart doctor from alder hey until at 8 months his heart scan showed us his hole had healed naturally. I cant tell you how relieved we were we'd been scared of people making loud noises round him or making him jump. I don't think either of us slept properly those first 8 months but i still kept that cotton wool round him. Around us all really i liked my family being cocooned and safe we didn't need others i never went anywhere unless it was shopping or a kids day out and my William right up until they took him at almost 5 he was my constant shadow 100% mummy's boy and i wouldn't have had him any other way. William wrote me a letter in November last year the social worker told him he get a reply of me i posted it the very next day she still hasn't given it to him and now we are in may ..........

My 4th child Lewis Anthony

After five long years of brutal fighting with social services i was at the lowest id ever been. Drinking and taking party drugs (pills speed etc never stooped to heroin and still thank myself now) anything just to block out the hurt inside me. I thought i was the ugliest bird that walked the planet used to cringe when i looked in the mirror. All i could see were the scars all over my face from beatings id had. I didnt feel worthy of love just accepted life was shit. Had my lifelong best mate hev by my side shed had it rough too, we didnt talk about what had broken us we just got each other. I was in a relationship with a repulsive man (i dont use those words lightly) I wont mention his name out of respect for our son and hes not named on his birth certificate so thats one person il be keeping private. he was vile used me abused me humiliated me.......he was a little man i always say he had small man syndrome. I fell pregnant and he left me didnt want a kid he said it wasnt his .........lewis brought magic back into mine and hevs lives from day one, it was hev who came to scans with me hev who bought his first outfits hev was his dad before he was even born. 

when i was about 12 weeks gone, i got a phone call of the social worker who had my daniel forced adopted she wanted to come and see me panic shot through me i hadnt seen dan for 3 years had something happened to him, had she heard i was pregnant and she wanted this baby too............

two weeks later they came to my house told me daniel was back my daniel my baby boy how what where when my head was spinning and i fell over i was so shocked it was 6 years before he was 18 how can this have happened. within weeks i was seeing daniel regularly and as my bump grew so did our relationship again. on the 11th may 2004 on my daughter sallys 9th birthday i was taken into be induced. doctors didnt want to risk me having a rapid birth again like my third so they brought me on two weeks early. It was a long and horrendous birth ending with a forceps delivery. Hev was by my side right till the end when he popped out tears shot out from her eyes never seen anything like it and then i saw him my beautiful tiny baby boy. The very next day with multiple stictches i went home to be a single mum to lewis and daniel as that very day he came home again. I stopped drinking and havent really bothered since in fact been tee total for most of the last 11 years. No support of social services no help every reason to fail ....................but i didnt 

all photos of lewis are when he lived with me :) 

Forced adoption part one

The first time i suffered forced adoption was with my eldest son daniel. I hadnt known about family courts until these proceedings, when i was in care my mother had put me there and it was voluntary so id never faced the family courts then. My violent ex had already got custody of my 2nd and 3rd child. That decision had already confused and broken me but still niave i thought they couldnt possibly adopt my son out against my wishes. how wrong was I..........It took two years of going to court back and forth constantly no matter how loud i screamed it was like nobody could hear me or wanted to. Id told family court of my abuse in care was told i was delusional and a liar no support or help offered in any way. I had to see a psychologist i told her what happened to me and she too labelled me delusional. I was drowning in the world of family law and NOBODY would listen or help me. Daniel said from day one he didnt want adopting he was 8 now old enough to no his own mind but nobody listened to him either. Social workers said he was university material and he would never get there under my care. They said i was a risk of future emotional harm because i was obviously attention seeking saying men in suits had raped me as a child in care.
The day they freed my son for adoption was one of the worst days of my entire life, this is the first time iv been able to talk about it 15 years later. As the judge gave the order i cant describe the pain that cursed through my mind body and soul. I could hear loud howling it took me a few minutes to realise it was me howling id fallen to the floor my whole world had fallen apart. I dont think i could have felt worse if the judge had given me the death penalty. The social workers guardian ad litem and their solicitors all walked past me high fiving each other. Something died inside me that day and it never came back. As iv said before just over 3 years later daniel was handed back to me when his adopter decided he wasnt what she wanted and threw him back in to care. Why had they done everything possible to take him from me to hand him back when he was 12 il never no. The university education that they swore would happen if he went for adoption didnt. Daniel came back a damaged young man and nothing was done to help or support him in anyway. The lies they said i told about being abused in care ............... a year after the adoption freeing order i was contacted by lancashire police under operation nevada about complaints of children being sexually abused in lancashire childrens homes. With what i no now i feel my son was adopted to make me an uncredible witness. They were scared of who i would name, If only they would have asked me i would have told them i couldnt name any of them. I was punished for being a victim of domestic violence for having serious mental health issues and for being raped in their care. I lost trust in everyone and everything drowned my pain in alcohol and met another violent man. I think i was punishing myself now and thinking i deserved to be treated bad. My final contact after that court hearing was the day after i bought a chain where the pendant was in two halves i gave half to daniel and i kept half, i told him that way we would always be together. Daniel bought me a chain with a mum pendant on i never took either chain off all the time he was away. I was allowed two letters of him a year but id always be waiting at least 3 months for my letter from daniel its like an emotional game they play on us parents whilst waiting for these letters our lives are on hold and talking to many more victims of forced adoption it happens to so many off us it is definitely orchestrated to make us feel worse. Once the social services have what they want the parents are forgotten left to deal with the massive mental trauma they have been left with. I was beaten up spat at in the street no one would believe me that i hadnt done anything to deserve it. I was still that frightened teenager inside desperate for somebody to help me anything to take that noise out of my head NOBODY EVER DID


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/christopherbooker/7870342/Forced-adoption-is-a-truly-dreadful-scandal.html

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/familys-anguish-as-they-face-third-forced-1676705

http://www.itv.com/news/2014-11-20/growing-number-of-parents-flee-to-ireland-over-forced-adoption-fears/

http://rtd.rt.com/films/forced-adoption-uk/

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31089412

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_C75RO6LL4

http://www.fassit.co.uk/ian_joseph.htm

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/7931828/Britains-forced-adoptions-the-hidden-scandal-we-cant-ignore.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forced_adoption_in_the_United_Kingdom

My childhood

Most people who have seen my fight in my activism wrongly assume i spent all my childhood in the care system. In fact my nightmare didn't start until i was 14. i was born and raised in a quiet rural village on the fylde coast kirkham. My mother wasnt a good mother but we didn't no any different and luckily we had amazing grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. My father was a hardworking man who worked all hours to make sure us kids had everything we needed. Even when he wasn't at work he would be on his allotment growing fresh fruit and veg for us.
We enjoyed family holidays abroad to spain which were rare in the 70s. I was constantly told at school how gifted and intelligent i was and even wn a scholarship to a private girls school at 11, I didn't go my choice i wanted to go to the same high school as my brother and cousins.
When i was 12 my mother dragged me away from all i knew and loved 35 miles away to accrington she was chasing a married man she was having an affair with. My life quickly went down from then on and i learnt very quickly that my mother would put herself before us EVERY TIME

the beginning for my family

Iv had this blog set up for months but never got round to doing anything with it. Iv such a massive wealth of information regarding the child care system, that its about time i put it all in print, all together. My story starts with my mother. My mothers mother died when my mother was 2 there were 2 older brothers, an elder sister and a baby sister of 6 months of age, when their mother died the court decided my grandfather wasn't fit to look after his children so they were removed the girls to st Josephs convent (industrial school), The brothers were sent to the christian brothers.
Within days we are told the baby died but what i no now about the nuns and forced adoption i don't think this is the case.
 My grandfather got my mother and sister out when mother was 12 aunt was 14 and brought them to England literally saved them from a lifetime in the Magdalene laundries.
The boys followed but the family was never reunited all of the children had suffered horrifically at the hands of the religious nuts who were paid to care for them.
 My mother was broken beyond repair and really shouldn't have had children. She told us all the evil things the nuns had done to her repeatedly as children.
 My brother and I feel like we lived the horror too. It was normal to us so we assumed everybody knew and we were told constantly not to feel sorry for ourselves as our mothers family had suffered so bad. This in later life had unfortunate consequences for me and i accepted abuse with out ever complaining as i thought well it could be worse. The links im sharing here are not my family's story but similar horrific stories of the child care system run by the catholic church.


The nuns .........

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-25929866

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_Catholic_Church_sexual_abuse_scandal_in_Ireland

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2009/may/20/irish-catholic-schools-child-abuse-claims 


http://www.independent.co.uk/news/nuns-abused-hundreds-of-children-1171988.html 




http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/psychotic-nuns-ran-childrens-home-like-nazi-concentration-camp-abuse-inquiry-is-told-29959634.html 



http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/nuns-battered-boys-stupid-in-derry-childrens-home-victim-tells-child-abuse-inquiry-29912351.html


http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/nuns-admit-sexual-abuse-children-3574925


http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/sisters-nazareth-inquiry-children-catholic-3067015


http://metro.co.uk/2014/09/11/forced-to-sleep-next-to-a-dead-nun-inquiry-hears-of-horrific-abuse-suffered-by-children-in-jersey-care-home-4865150/


The christian brothers my poor uncles nightmare ........

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/christian-brothers-make-their-deathbed-confession-1268168.html

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/apr/28/child-abuse-west-australian-victims-of-christian-brothers-to-tell-their-stories

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_abuse_scandal_in_the_Congregation_of_Christian_Brothers

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/local-national/thousands-raped-in-irelands-christian-brothers-schools-28522897.html

http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/christian-brother-jailed-for-sexually-abusing-boys-290739.html

The magdelene laundries that my mother and sister narrowly missed ...............

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magdalene_laundries_in_Ireland

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sidonie-sawyer/-the-true-scandal-of-the-_b_4509415.html

http://www.irishmirror.ie/news/irish-news/magdalene-laundries-survivor-elizabeth-coppin-2802968

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/9844412/The-forgotten-women-of-Irelands-Magdalene-Laundries.html

http://www.magdalenelaundries.com/

My mother received redress from the irish government 2012.
 35 thousand pounds she got and that took 60 years. She was made to sign a contract agreeing to never tell her story to receive the money. The solicitors walked away with millions although they didn't suffer a second of what these children did